The first entry.
I’ve been putting it off to be honest. But, like anything, putting it off doesn’t change anything. Each day is similarly ‘not the right time to start’. Much like changing career, finding a different purpose in your every day life – there is never a PERFECT time to do anything. No more perfect than right now.
Writing is a way for my heart to slow down, for my breathing to steady and my mind to rest and until now it’s been very private and limited to the seemingly hundreds of journals – travel, gratitude and daily life. But as my breathing was shallow and my chest hurt at the end of my day today, I headed off to box with a small group of amazing women that I’ve been doing small group training with most days. For me, when I exercise, the pain of breathing when I’m stressed, or when I’m anxious, goes away. When I’m gasping for breath, the pain of restricted breathing lessens and I return to my state of ‘normal’.
Tonight is a reminder of why I am on this journey. I love what I do. I just don't love what it does to me. I never thought that this was what anxiety felt like. I just thought I was a bit of a 'stresshead'. Those who know me know that I'm highly driven, passionate, committed and I put 100% into everything that I do. Unfortunately for me, that has translated into workaholism in the past and after four trips to the doctor for chest x-rays, a friend heard my tales of running my car off the road because of my breathing issues and she described EXACTLY how I felt. She has it too. It was a bit of a relief.
It began my journey of self-enquiry. This enquiry into my purpose, my journey of self-actualisation. I had always meditated. Done yoga. Been slightly alternative in lots of ways. But I was also an type A personality. Had a first class law degree. Sat on Boards, committees, was always the 'yes' girl to any work thrown my way. I've always felt that I had two sides of a very different personality. The side of me that loves organising events and seeing people shine a light on their true potential and their true purpose has not been truly let out for many years.
It has led me to really beginning to honour the woman I've always been, and embracing the absolute terror that came with DECIDING to listen to my heart and to that place where my passions lie.
So this is me. I follow a journey that has no destination - or at least, one I'm not 100% sure of yet. How my life might change, what it might look like - who knows yet.
PhD-ing, mothering, lecturing, event organising, studying, coaching. All my roles, all my pleasures. All me and all mine.
Thank you for joining me, I can't wait to go on this journey with you.
With an open heart,